Who could correct me please ? ^^' [SOLVED][LOCKED]
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McBernick's picture
McBernick
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Hello !

I'm french.. so I'm from a french server of minecraft (Craft West)
my english is not really perfect I'm sorry --' 
Me and my friends began to made a video (teaser / trailer) about our serveur..
We wanted to start the video with a sort of voicerover who speak about his story in english with french subtitles. So, we wrote this text.. but our english in not perfect ^^
I wish that one of you can correct it please ^^ : 
  "I found this land ten years ago..

For most people it was but a rotten marsh..
But for me, it was a land full of riches!
After years of work, we finally dominated nature!
By taking down trees and mining in the depths..


We were determined to explore, driven to fight and destined to conquer!
We have built New-Avignon with our bare hands, a civilization built to our imagination.
After countless hours of toil, the industrial machine was launched.
We have gathered all the forces we can. 
We created guns, rifles, and cannons!
For the first time, Indians and Outlaws smelled the smell of gunpowder !


We defended our values on many battlefields.
Oftentimes we won, other times we lost.
But we never lost our will !


So.. This is the story of my people..

Oh, by the way, would you like something to drink ? " 
Thank you in advance =D

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tgrosson
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Pretty good. Don't start

Pretty good. Don't start sentences with but or by, (ex. other times we lost, but we never lost our will!). Don't put spaces before question marks and exclamation points, and (I'm not sure how other people would put it) I would say just often instead of oftentimes. Other than that, it seems great.

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McBernick
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ok thank you very much =) Is

ok thank you very much =)

Is it better with "however" ? :

"However, for me, it was a land full of riches! "
"However, we never lost our will ! "

tgrosson's picture
tgrosson
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Yeah that would work.

Yeah that would work.

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tgrosson
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Oh and when using "..." use

Oh and when using "..." use three periods instead of two.

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naufalrasyid
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one mistake

"serveur" spelled wrong, it must be spelled "server"

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tgrosson
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Oh yeah I saw that but forgot

Oh yeah I saw that but forgot to mention it.

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naufalrasyid
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Everything's now solved

Everything's now solved, just need jak2131 or Lunick to lock this thread, never seen a thread got solved within minutes

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jak2131
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haha

wow, i didn't even see this until it was solved, that rarely happens

LOCKING it

"Only a life lived in the service to others is worth living"
Albert Einstein